I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
