im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
