I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
