if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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