I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
