so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
