you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
