So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
