I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
