you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
