just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
