I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
