Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
