alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I supernannyed him into submission
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
