Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
