When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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