Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
