Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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