i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
