I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Randomize
