god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
