I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
