i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
