I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Omg I joined a choir last night...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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