Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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