New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
