The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You are the jesus of drinking
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
