i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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