Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I need moral support for this bender
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
