this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
