you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
