On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize