i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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