she looked like the before picture.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Even my vagina gasped.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
