On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
