My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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