i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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