I wish my penis had an off switch
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When did angry sex become our thing?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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