My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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