I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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