I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
