John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
