New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
ok first of all what the fuck
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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