in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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