are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
