cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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