I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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