Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
