She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize