so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
