I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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