I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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