Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
