I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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